And you're here in my heart and
My heart will go on and on."
Today, I saw my mother through the eyes of an adult- a woman. And I realized then just how similar she is to the many women portrayed in movies like "The Joy Luck Club". I never thought that those dramatic movies could be applied to real life- but where then would those directors get their ideas from?
Everyone carries a burden that they never thought they could let go off. But we don't often realize that while we suffer, we also rejoice.
Today, I let go of a burden I carried for the past 7 years and I felt so relieved I teared.
Today, my mother let go of a burden she carried for the past 14 years and she never even shed a tear. Instead, she held my hand whilst my heart bled for all the pain she shouldered alone.
Today, God showed me that the strength I carry comes from my beautiful and wonderful mother. He showed me that even though I don't have a man's comforting hug to turn to, I will always have Him by my side and my mama as the light to the darkness in my life.
Is it possible to miss someone even though you see them everyday?
Cause that's how I feel right now. You're so near, yet so far away. You're physically here all the time, but for some strange reason, you feel so incredibly cold to me. We talk and we laugh yeah, but you seem so guarded all the time. And I know for sure that you're avoiding a repeat of what happened last year. So when it's just us, there's a wall of steel around your heart and your thoughts.
I didn't think it'll hurt, but it does. I don't understand how I feel towards you and I don't understand what's happening. Sometimes everything's okay but sometimes it's just so out of proportion, I feel like I'm in another reality altogether.
And maybe that's just it- this is the reality that I've to accept if I want the hurt to begone. Cause whatever magic or chemistry that happened before, between us, must surely have dissipated to only the corners of my mind. Now, I just have to understand that my instincts are all wrong for the first time in my life.
Coincidentally, this topic came up on Saturday when I was shopping with C- and although I don't fully agree with all the points in the article, a lot of it aligns with my thoughts on the matter.
I'd always thought that everyone's first love would be that one unforgettable person that you will always, always have lingering feelings for, cause that was your first time falling in love with someone and experiencing everything that you're unprepared for. But when I really sat down to reflect on how I felt then and now- I realized that this isn't it at all.
I fell in love for the first time at sixteen and it was so overwhelming and painful and wonderful all at once then, but I haven't felt that way towards him in so long. Yes, I do still love him, but it doesn't feel the same anymore. I'd thought that I wouldn't ever get over him, and for a long while I didn't- because he was him and I was me and I still held on to how he made me feel and what he gave me. And then one day, that attachment just broke free. It didn't happen overnight of course, in fact it probably occurred over a whole year. I only realized it when the final string snapped free and I became just me again- just Tracy.
Perhaps it was because even back then -when I was in love- I knew that we could never be together- because we were too different and it just wasn't right. Or perhaps it was because sometime over the years, we'd both changed into different people with different lives and different priorities and perspectives. I knew, deep down, that I would fall in love again one day with that one person that would be right for me. He would be walking down the same path as me and he would be my best friend, my companion, my lover, my faith, my trust and my family all at once and I wouldn't even have to find reasons for him to fit into each role. I wouldn't know immediately, but I would eventually.
C says that there is that one person for us out there, somewhere. But he could have been born into a different generation and perhaps even a different lifetime from us. If we're lucky enough, he could be someone that we might end up with or maybe, he's that missing piece of the puzzle yet he's someone we could never end up with. And so if that were the case, how could we never forget our first loves, unless that first love was that one person meant for us in this lifetime?