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22 March 2014 @ 08:33 pm
"Once more, you open the door
And you're here in my heart and
My heart will go on and on."
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Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: My Memory, Sky's Violin
22 March 2014 @ 01:02 am
My life is seriously one big irony.

I really have no idea what game life is playing at, but it's not funny, not now at least. Maybe, one day in the future, when I've finally managed to fall in love again, I'll look back on these couple of months and smile at all the things that transpired. Then, the pain wouldn't be so fresh anymore and the sadness wouldn't be such a heavy weight in my heart. Maybe then, I can see you like how I should be right now.

I'll say that I would rather you be cold to me again, but I've been through that and I really wouldn't trade this sweet, thoughtful, funny, gentle and modest you for anything else. Because at least, I know that I'm a friend to you and right now, that matters more than trying to get over the sadness that plagues me. 
Current Mood: relaxedrelaxed
Current Music: My Heart Will Go On, Sky's Violin
18 March 2014 @ 12:18 am
"I was just talking to her when I looked up and saw you standing there, with eyebrows furrowed and that look in your eye that told me you were deep in thought. I thought that today wouldn't be any different as to how I saw you, because I see you everyday. But we often take things for granted, don't we? When our eyes met, I saw a bit more of the boy I'm falling for. In that millisecond, I caught a glimpse of who you're growing to become in that unguarded and yet so very adorable expression. In that millisecond, the intensity of your gaze shot through my body and went straight to my toes, warming me up from the inside out despite the cold autumn breeze snaking its way through the layers of my shirt.

I looked down then, afraid that my face would reveal the depth of my feelings. But not before I saw that crooked smile I love so much- the one that speaks volumes of the affection you have for the people you love.

We talked, laughed, then we said our goodbyes. And like before, you looked right at me and straight into my heart. And it only took that one millisecond for me to lose all coherent thought and utter only the first words that came to mind in a voice that did not feel like mine"
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Myth- Sky's Violin
16 March 2014 @ 12:36 am

Today, I saw my mother through the eyes of an adult- a woman. And I realized then just how similar she is to the many women portrayed in movies like "The Joy Luck Club". I never thought that those dramatic movies could be applied to real life- but where then would those directors get their ideas from?

Everyone carries a burden that they never thought they could let go off. But we don't often realize that while we suffer, we also rejoice.

Today, I let go of a burden I carried for the past 7 years and I felt so relieved I teared.

Today, my mother let go of a burden she carried for the past 14 years and she never even shed a tear. Instead, she held my hand whilst my heart bled for all the pain she shouldered alone.

Today, God showed me that the strength I carry comes from my beautiful and wonderful mother. He showed me that even though I don't have a man's comforting hug to turn to, I will always have Him by my side and my mama as the light to the darkness in my life.

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Current Mood: contentcontent
Current Music: Myth- Sky's Violin
12 March 2014 @ 09:53 pm
Maybe I've been single for so long cause I can never keep my emotions in check in this aspect. I move through the highs and lows like a surfer would ride a tsunami wave. If I already feel so much right now, then won't I feel more if I went deeper?

Maybe I should stop asking God to take away the emotions and memories, and instead find a way to move on from the feelings I can't seem to shake off. Like L said; immerse myself in something I love wholeheartedly and distance myself from him in a way that isn't too conspicuous. Maybe he's not someone that I could fall in love with, but merely someone that God put in my life so that I can learn a lesson from.

After crying just about my whole heart out yesterday, I finally understand how I feel and why I feel this way. I only wish I didn't have to make him angry to realize that.

I give up. 
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Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: Nightingale, Yanni
09 March 2014 @ 12:44 pm
Chairs, table and a wall

Cracks splinter the entire length
Running a line through
Sprays of tears burst forth
Bleeding nostalgia and sadness

She stares off into the distance
Wondering for the first time;
What went wrong?
That this coldness engulfs and envelope

The blizzard rages
Materializing when the sun shone true
Shudders of ice leaving behind scars of old
Emanating helplessness like the rose that withers

In the haze of blue and white
Dark purple razes the afternoon sky
All the world bows down to its merciless temper
Only the leaves dare leave their trail of music behind

The echoes of tragedy and not-to-be
Tinges with regret, confusion and frustration
Because the memories of yesteryear
Haven’t moved from its original place

Surrounded by the sands of time
They remain trapped and slowly
Disintegrate, disappear without a trace
So that she wonders if it ever happenedat all

Now she pens down those memories
Where skies were blue and clouds a cotton-candy
With only the road a journey for them
And magic was a true reality then
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Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: Waiting For Superman, Chris Daughtry
09 March 2014 @ 01:24 am

Is it possible to miss someone even though you see them everyday?

Cause that's how I feel right now. You're so near, yet so far away. You're physically here all the time, but for some strange reason, you feel so incredibly cold to me. We talk and we laugh yeah, but you seem so guarded all the time. And I know for sure that you're avoiding a repeat of what happened last year. So when it's just us, there's a wall of steel around your heart and your thoughts.

I didn't think it'll hurt, but it does. I don't understand how I feel towards you and I don't understand what's happening. Sometimes everything's okay but sometimes it's just so out of proportion, I feel like I'm in another reality altogether.

And maybe that's just it- this is the reality that I've to accept if I want the hurt to begone. Cause whatever magic or chemistry that happened before, between us, must surely have dissipated to only the corners of my mind. Now, I just have to understand that my instincts are all wrong for the first time in my life.

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Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: Austin, Blake Shelton
12 February 2014 @ 09:16 am
"Love is making a choice every single day, to either love or not love. That’s it. It’s that simple."


This article articulates my thoughts on the matter so beautifully. But I don't quite agree that the choice to love is not just a feeling but an action- at least not in the case of a relationship between a man and a woman. Sometimes, that choice to love that someone has been made by a greater power so that we can't quite pull ourselves away from that choice and choose the alternative. Sometimes, if we're lucky enough, we meet that one person that's our other half- our soul mate- and the choice is made up for us subconsciously from the beginning. Sometimes, because we've loved for so long, we've sunk deep into the abyss and all that remains for us is to continue loving that person. Sometimes, we may not love the person the way that we were meant to, or intended to, but we love them anyway because of the obligations and responsibilities that have been imposed upon us (case in point; arranged marriages).

Sometimes though, we fall in love with that one person that's made for us, but we can't be together with that person in this lifetime because of the many factors in our lives. We can't stop loving them simply because that choice is too painful entirely, and so we continue loving them even knowing that they would not be ours. This is the kind of love that will cause us to suffer our whole lives because it's so consuming, but it's also the kind of love that has the power to last and never die. 
Current Mood: pensivepensive
10 February 2014 @ 12:13 pm

Coincidentally, this topic came up on Saturday when I was shopping with C- and although I don't fully agree with all the points in the article, a lot of it aligns with my thoughts on the matter.

I'd always thought that everyone's first love would be that one unforgettable person that you will always, always have lingering feelings for, cause that was your first time falling in love with someone and experiencing everything that you're unprepared for. But when I really sat down to reflect on how I felt then and now- I realized that this isn't it at all.

I fell in love for the first time at sixteen and it was so overwhelming and painful and wonderful all at once then, but I haven't felt that way towards him in so long. Yes, I do still love him, but it doesn't feel the same anymore. I'd thought that I wouldn't ever get over him, and for a long while I didn't- because he was him and I was me and I still held on to how he made me feel and what he gave me. And then one day, that attachment just broke free. It didn't happen overnight of course, in fact it probably occurred over a whole year. I only realized it when the final string snapped free and I became just me again- just Tracy.

Perhaps it was because even back then -when I was in love- I knew that we could never be together- because we were too different and it just wasn't right. Or perhaps it was because sometime over the years, we'd both changed into different people with different lives and different priorities and perspectives. I knew, deep down, that I would fall in love again one day with that one person that would be right for me. He would be walking down the same path as me and he would be my best friend, my companion, my lover, my faith, my trust and my family all at once and I wouldn't even have to find reasons for him to fit into each role. I wouldn't know immediately, but I would eventually.

C says that there is that one person for us out there, somewhere. But he could have been born into a different generation and perhaps even a different lifetime from us. If we're lucky enough, he could be someone that we might end up with or maybe, he's that missing piece of the puzzle yet he's someone we could never end up with. And so if that were the case, how could we never forget our first loves, unless that first love was that one person meant for us in this lifetime?

Current Mood: busybusy
07 February 2014 @ 05:25 pm
Work was supposed to be a distraction for me- so that I wouldn't think back to the events that transpired in 2013 (or rather, the last 5 months of 2013). Oh I wish I had a distraction that could keep my mind occupied; it threads into dangerous waters when I'm given the freedom to relax and meditate; something that I really don't need right now.

Cause no matter how much I try to deny it- the signs are all right there. Coincidentally, it first struck me when I was having a conversation with a friend that said, 'I shouldn't be looking for signs to know if he likes me'. A week ago, when I allowed my mind to be barraged by the well of memories stored in the "DO NOT TOUCH" section of my brain, I realized that for me, it was the opposite- I've been trying to reason with myself and everyone else that he has no interest in me whatsoever. Amidst the knowing smiles and shaking of heads, I'm grateful to the friends that I'd confided in for indulging me and allowing me to remain in that state of self-denial. They probably only did that because they knew that I would eventually realize what they did.


I hate it when I get bitten in the butt after I resolve all that self denial. Too many thoughts for me to handle and not enough courage to face them.
Current Mood: pensivepensive